God on the Road of Trials

This is Brownie the Beaver. I just bought and adopted him this week as Ralph Brown School's mascot. He's going to Mexico with me and will pose in famous places for the students to see when I get back.It is now less than 2 weeks until I go to Mexico - 13 more sleeps. It has been pretty intense lately, with report cards and various other tasks due at work before I'm clear to go. And in the last 2 days I got a touch of the stomach flu, with the runs, which threatened to knock all my plans off. There I was with so much to do and I'm sleeping in the evenings, trying to ward off the iffy stomach and eye aches, not to mention anxious thoughts about it all. But perhaps it was necessary to slow down, and take my plans less seriously. All I could do was the simple, "Help me" prayer.

Last night cruising the aisles at Superstore, I had the thought, "This is the worst of it, if you can get through this, it'll get better." I recognized that as a helpful thought, keeping things in perspective. And then I remembered the Hero's Journey and read a bit more in it this morning.

In the cycle of the hero's journey, these experiences might be called "The road of trials", which a person must undergo between this world and the other world. Literally, the two worlds are here and Mexico. These trials often happen in groups of 3, and the "hero" often fails at one or more of these trials. (check) I decided my 3 recent "trials" are reports, the flu, and "Getting ready". The last category is a good one in a way. It's all the TONS of advice I've been getting in this last week from teachers who have gone before. Every day my inbox is filled with someone else e-mailing me their bits of advice from when they were there. It's all good, but aftr a while it had the effect of being too much info. How can one brain absorb it all? All the trials have brought out an anxiety and I see I've been more crabby at school.

That's when I'm led back to the thought, again and again, to give it all to God. I've thought, well, God is the one who has called me to this journey in the first place. The very roots or kether of Mexico has been about generosity, abundance, and God's provision and not my limitations as being the last Word.  So I was led to remember that if that's what the journey is all about, then I can trust in God to continue to provide. This means letting go of my fears and worries, no easy task. But I am finding that despite myself, "Supernatural aid" (another facet of the journey) is coming through again and again, despite my failures to trust God better in the trials.

What form has this supernatural aid taken? I have better health today. My stomach is better, and I woke up content this morning, not anxious. This is a gift. I realized in retrospect that the thought "This is the worst of it," came from God, as did the thought to reflect on the hero's cycle again. And yesterday in Superstore, as I was standing impatiently behind someone who was walking s-l-o-w-l-y, I caught a smile from a kind Mexican woman (maybe Phillipino) and I felt encouraged to be more patient and be above the rat race. Also, a bit of reading in Naomi Remen's book settled me into the bigger picture of faith as well last night. But most important, I don't feel anxious and I feel encouraged to trust again. God provides for me despite myself. 

As a P.S. to this, another stage in the hero cycle which I recognized in myself might be "The Meeting with the Goddess". This is where the other world calls. Things are non-dualistic and harmonized (that's one aspect). I experienced a touch of that in watching the PBS special, "The Incredible Journey of the Butterflies" with Lyle and Joel on Tuesday night. I was struck by a sense of the mystery of the whole monarch story, how such a fragile creature can even make such a journey.  The 4000 km. journey to Mexico is unknown to the butterfly (its never made that trip before), and yet it flies, carried by something that scientist's still can't fully figure out. Something mysterious and bigger than itself.  Sounds like the gospel to me! 

The Hero's Journey

Paul encouraged me to see this literal journey, and the vocation that God has for me, in the cycle of the hero's journey. Lorna found a great summary of the journey for me, and I had the idea to begin to reflect on the upcoming trip (less than 6 weeks away!) using this as my template. Reading it over has got me re-thinking my previous posts as well, looking at them with this in mind.

Departure - The first part of the hero's journey is "Departure". First comes the call to adventure, when "the person is first given notice that everything is going to change, whether they know it or not".

This happened at Don's Deli way back in October when the ladies were out for breakfast, and they suggested to me that my dream of going to Mexico could become real. I was shocked when I realized they were serious. It reconfigured reality for me. I had always thought someday I might go, but that I was too depressed/unorganized/loserish to get my act together enough. Yet here was the call to adventure. The thought "I can't pull this off" is what is called the "refusal of the call", where we limit what God has for us by a "range of reasons that work to hold the person in her current circumstances". For me, the reasons are always around insecurity and a sense of inadequacy. To think beyond these reasons was exciting and a bit disorienting. Life really has looked different with this reality in mind. It looks more bountiful, like the "cup running over" passage, but I have also been called out of my comfort zone. I might have said "I can't", but I have heard the refrain, "But God can". And by this I don't mean the literal journey only, but living within the bigger picture of the "Yes" in God.

The next stage in Departure are the guides and helpers that come once the hero has committed to the quest. I'd have to say that Paul was a very helpful guide when he asked, "But what does God want?" This was echoed that same week by the trainer guy who asked me, "How are you serving God with this trip?" That reconfigured everything. The answer to it was in my earlier posts.

The last stage in "Departure" is "The belly of the whale". On the diagram above it's called "Crossing the Threshold". The person here is transitioning between worlds and between selves, and it is sometimes described as the person's lowest point, something that is dark, unknown and frightening At first I thought this was when Karin (my administrator) was continually talking about the bottom line and got me wondering if I was crazy to think of going. But another thing I've been thinking of has been the things I've been worried about for the trip.

Basically, I'm worried about two things: whether I'll be healthy that week, and worried about navigating my way through airports and unfamiliar terrain. This has got me feeling vulnerable, but it has helped a lot to pray about these things and ask for God's help. I also remembered that in a way, I'm making the same trek as the butterflies - they are much more vulnerable than me but they are taken up by the wind and taken care of even despite a lot of odds against them. Since I'm seeing the life cycle of the monarch as "the gospel in a nutshell", this chance to rely on God and cast my worries on to Him seems like the golden opportunity to practice abiding in the vine.

Steppingstones of Monarchs in my life

After the initial excitement of setting my sights on Mexico, I had a few bumps in the road. Funding at school was iffy, and I did not have peace in the matter. Paul encouraged me to reflect more deeply on the question, “What does God want me to do?” What would this trip serve? Is it a vacation or is it serving a vocation in service to God? And so I wrote this e-mail to the group. This change of focus from “me” to “what does God want” made all the difference. Here is what I wrote:

I have been reflecting about the question of God's will in this. What would this trip serve? So I've been led to think of the steppingstones of monarchs in my life, and what it has led to, in terms of what is bigger than me and my little experience. I've also received peace about a decision to go, which I am really grateful for (I'll write about this at the end of this post, last paragraph if you want to skip ahead :-).

My fascination with monarchs was born one summer, I'd say about 12 years ago, when we went to Living Prairie Museum, and I saw their milkweed patch. There was info about the monarchs and I saw the many chrysalises hanging. There was one chrysalis that the guide said was about to hatch, and I waited with baited breath but it never did when I was there. The guide told me that I could plant milkweed in my yard and "they would come". My imagination was struck and off I headed in the next weeks, a young Joel in tow, to Prairie Originals out in Argyle, to get some milkweed. Later that summer we came back from Med. Hat and I was shocked to see big, fat caterpillars munching away. I saw it as a miracle. How had the monarchs found my plants, among all other plants, to lay their eggs? I still see find as a total miracle every summer. I watched with fascination, as I still do every summer, as I get to watch this miraculous life cycle in my own backyard. I learned how to make cages and observe it all from inside the house too.

It wasn't long before I brought the experience to my class at Florence. One time I ordered caterpillars from a place in BC, for my whole school (something I've since decided never to do again because it's not good for the ecosystem they say). With the help of a butterfly expert here in Wpg, I found large, wild patches of milkweed to feed them all. I remember how great it was that Frankie, a girl whose parents were fighting all the time and had lots of trouble, should be the first one to see an emergence. I started to bring the caterpillars to Joel's daycare every summer with a cage, so they could see the process.

The 3 day workshop in July '07 was a big boost towards fostering this interest, and I've kind of expanded what I do in the class. I now (try to) do activities throughout the year on the theme, incorporating different subject areas. It's gotten bigger every year. I love being able to share the monarch story. There is a natural interest among kids, and a fascination which is different from the regular boring subjects. To consider all the details of each stage of the cycle comes naturally to me. And to care for them is natural for me as a sensing type. Each summer (except last summer when I found only 1), it is enjoyable to look for them along Omand's Creek, and to care for them. I find it gets me out of myself.

It has been a good question to consider, what does this serve beyond myself? In terms of my own discipleship, lately I've been saying to myself that the monarch has become a metaphor for my own life. It fits in so many ways. It is tiny and vulnerable and logically shouldn't really survive, yet amazingly it is hardy and can survive a 6000 km migration. Nature has given it something in its biology which helps it find its food source and keep it from predators. These to me speak of God's provision and grace. The life cycle is amazing on many levels too. The fact that it shed its skin so many times as it grows speaks to me of shedding what is old. Lately the chrysalis stage has been very helpful for me to apply to myself, thanks to Marilyn's insight that it is waiting for transformation "in a tight place". This is directly applicable to the contentment theme, and seeing suffering as transformative rather than something to be rid of. It's like God has shown us the Gospel in nature.

The butterfly is also very beautiful. I find that to share this beauty with others is very satisfying. It is something that does not point to me but to something higher. I remember when Louie got to hold a newly hatched butterfly one summer, and how awestruck he was. When he died a few weeks later, I was glad he had had that moment, and that he went on to his next life stage.

In terms of what it serves beyond my own discipleship, I find it gives me joy to share it with my students (and anyone else who wants to listen). I see these kids, many of them, as having pretty miserable lives in many ways, so many violences around them. If the butterfly can become something that is transcendent in their lives, that would give me much joy, because boy do these kids need transcendence. As it is transcendent above my own experience, so it is for the kids. The monarch story is metaphorical, it is easy to understand, and I think they are like little ambassadors to somehow witness to God's kingdom. No matter what difficulties are "on my plate", they don't change, like God. I've also been too much in my own little miserable 8 space over my teaching career, so anything that moves me to a place of grace is a good thing. As the Proclaimers sing, "I'm on my way, from misery to happiness."

It has been good to consider what would the trip serve beyond a potentially enjoyable experience. I think basically it would serve to deepen this interest and passion God has given me, so that I can in turn pass that on with more depth to my students.

I had been praying to arrive at a place of peace about the whole trip. This morning I find I have that. Last night I went to a social for a co-worker who is getting married. Above the loud music, I spoke to Shauna (who was away on Friday). She has a leadership role in the school and is kind of like a vice-principal. She had a good perspective, which was that it's such a great chance, and that if I have this chance, don't let logistics stand in the way. "What's wrong with asking for a bit of PD money? What's wrong with letting your friends help out if they want?" And for some reason, suddenly I saw the trip as "just" one week and not really such a big deal. It doesn't have to be impossible or an imposition. Hearing her perspective was a good balance to Karin, and I realized I had gotten pretty sucked in by Karin's bottom line thinking (sorry about that). It's good Bev how you pointed out that this is exactly what a mission statement of a school should foster. Another encouragement came from my "monarch buddy" over at Inkster School (the '07 workshop set everyone up with a monarch buddy who we could consult with for help). I received Albert who has gone before. He has been very generous with his replies and keeps telling me not to hesitate to ask as much as I need to. His good cheer and positive attitude (from a guy I don't even really know) have been a godsend as well. And, not to mention, all of your encouragements and prayers as well.

So that is my mission statement with regards to this. Thank you all again, my debt of gratitude can never be filled.

More Monarch Musings

I have had a few more thoughts about “monarchs as vocation”. Over the years at my work, whenever someone retires and we have a party for that person, I've wondered what my "legacy" would be. The Covey question. Years ago, when I started to become known as the "butterfly lady", I thought "Phew, that'll be my legacy." At the time, it came out of insecurity, with me thinking that there wouldn't be anything else noteworthy to remember me by. They could just do the butterfly theme and be done with it. I know, these thoughts were totally ego-centric.

But this whole process has gotten me to deepen what it actually means. I have been feeling grateful that this is indeed a good legacy to "hang my hat on", if it means the Gospel in a metaphorical nutshell, in the way I described it in my original post. So it's moved a step away from me at centre to a desire to have Christ as centre.

Next was something I was going to add to the original post about monarch as vocation, in my stepping stones, but it seemed too small to note at the time. But on further reflection in recent weeks, the meaning of it has occurred to me. The story goes like this:

When I was a small child, on vacation in Ontario with my parents, I was in the washroom of our host's house, when I looked down at my shirt and saw a huge caterpillar on my shirt. I was terrified and must have screamed for someone to help me get it off. The shock and horror I felt stayed with me for some time, and remained with me as a vivid memory from childhood.

So you could say, this was the first time a butterfly visited me personally. I don't know what kind of butterfly it was, but I have been wondering on what the significance of this "first meeting" is for me. It was a butterfly in its "unevolved" or larva form, you could say. I generally believe that as the last child, I was kind of spoiled. In a way, the cruciform life of the Gospel which was to become my path, was not yet internalized. "Life is good when it is easy and without crosses", was perhaps the mantra that was handed me. So I've been reflecting that meeting this caterpillar was in a way my first meeting with the Gospel, and that it shocked me and scared me!! "Little larva Lydie", it was perhaps saying to me, "there are changes ahead, and much dying to self if you are to follow Christ." Well, this interpretation might be a bit out there, but I think it fits.

I'm Bound for Mexico!

I'm bound for Mexico!

Since becoming an official "monarch nut" over the years, I've had the dream of someday traveling to mexico to see where the monarchs go to overwinter. The women from my Formation Studies group at Watershed surprised me this last fall by suggesting that my dream could become reality. It didn't happen instanty, since it needed to be discerned, but the date is now set: February 13-21, 2009, going with about 30 people from the States and Canada with the Monarch Teacher's Network. Life looks different with this hope in mind and heart. I wanted to share the journey with you all, starting with my discernment process, and further thoughts, which has already been amazing.